If you're among those unfortunates (deplorables?) who decided not to plunk down more than $3,000 for a nosebleed-inducing spot at today's game in Houston, take heed: "Congratulations on having more sense than money."
There's so much riding on today's column. The first one of 2017. At the end, you'll either be saying "Why do I even bother reading that garbage?" Or, "Hey, that was pretty good! I think I'll come back in two weeks."