It’s update time. In case you regular readers are saying:
“Oh Lord have mercy, he’s going to tell us how much he loathes yard work.”
I do hate playing in the dirt. I steer clear of going to Home Depot to buy anything except batteries and lightbulbs. I have a brown thumb. Weeds and bugs befriend me because I’m an easy mark.
Stifle a yawn. Don’t turn on the NFL. Watch the Braves. What I want to accomplish in the next few hundred words is to clear out the overflowing inbox.
I won’t get to everything, but I will take a stab at it:
I TOLD YOU: A few columns back I tore into those piles of human refuse who suckered our kids into their sinister world with assurances that evoked memories of Kevin Bacon as he was being pancaked in “Animal House.”
“Stay calm. All is well,” he assured the student rioters. He was smarmy and turned out to be a liar.
Just like the vermin who assured our kids and their adult customers there was no harm in vaping.
Here’s a Family Feud XXX for that malarkey. I wrote that the perils of vaping hadn’t been studied. The interchangeable vaping/tobacco sleaze balls snookered everyone it seems.
Take a look at the news. Numerous deaths. Bizarre cancers. And the peddlers are nowhere to be seen. It’s as if they’ve had their collective tongues removed, which is what might happen to those enjoying what is turning out to be poison.
Which one of those we have elected is going to ban this horrible epidemic?
Once again, those big tobacco folks haven’t been truthful. Who’s going to fire up a law that gets rid of vaping? I can see this getting even more out of hand. Currently, there are 450 deaths being investigated. There will be more.
SO, WHERE YOU FROM, TEX?: I used to take pride in answering: Bakersfield, California. It was home. It was where I was raised. And while it has been the butt of countless jokes and jabs by those in the entertainment industry, home is home.
That is until that state was taken over by a homeless epidemic beyond comprehension. Taxes are ridiculous. The snowflake governor is not just soft on crime, he’s a fluffy pillow topped with marshmallows and whipped cream.
Their governor has coined a definition for criminals that will be more respectful to the bad guys. You’d never want convicts to have a self-esteem and poor self-image problem.
He lives in the governor’s mansion in Sacramento where President Reagan used to sleep.
Would I ever move back? I love my brother Matt and his Round-Up feed store is booming. But the only way I’m leaving Cumming for Bako is if Buck comes back and gives Junior Samples a noogie on the downtown courthouse steps. And Merle asks me to sell him sausage. Extra spicy of course.
For the past 25 years, I proudly say I’m from Cumming (Bygolly), Georgia. And I mean it!
TURA LURA LURA: It’s an Irish lullaby, and I’m pretty sure Notre dame is going to be put to sleep.
I could get some tickets for Saturday’s game in Athens. The cost? Gratis, as in nada, free, complimentary. But I’ll be firmly ensconced in the Man Cave, surround-sound blaring on the 75-inch Sony.
I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be a part of an execution. This die-hard Notre Dame fan is ready to cover his eyes.
Carnage is ugly.
One note to Dawg fans: Be gracious hosts like the folks in South Bend were two years ago. No whiskey bottles fired at Leprechaun. He’ll take a swig or two and share what’s left with the cheerleaders, who will fire it back.
One more thing: No Catholic jokes. We’ve heard them all before.
Mike Tasos’ column is published every other Sunday. He’s got all the bases covered: Bulldogs win and we’re right back where this column started. An Irish upset means something will get broken. Comments can be sent to email@example.com. He is also on Facebook.