All aboard. Wash your hands and enjoy the ride. Even though the final destination is a mystery.
That pretty well sums up thoughts of your 64-year-old columnist who thought he’d seen everything.
That retrospective perspective needed a reboot. If the stock market was overdue for a correction, so were we.
We were lacking in some entertainment recently. I went to a few grocery stores and had a blast. It was a great show.
There were a few great scraps (fights, not food). WrestleMania might not happen next month, but there’s an opportunity to promote an extravaganza at most grocery stores. I would relish the chance to sign these two battling soccer moms to a contract. No need to pay them a dime. Nope, just fashion a championship belt out of Charmin. Maybe they wouldn’t feel compelled to fight over a buggy.
I strolled the aisles not intending to purchase anything. That showed great planning on my part since there wasn’t a whole lot on the shelves. No meat, milk, bread or eggs. But there were plenty of Oreos. Believe me, you will be in a bad way if you try to dunk a regular Oreo in a glass of water. Try that with a Double Stuff and you’ll need an autopsy.
I switched stores, hoping the first one was not indicative of our ability to stay calm. Oops. The first person I ran into was a female customer who was at least 100 pounds north of Rosie O’Donnell. Her buggy contained: 120 rolls of toilet paper, 120 cans of Coke, 60 cans of Diet Coke, enough bottled water to fill her plastic swimming pool and four Snickers bars.
I was fascinated and, naturally, compelled to have a conversation. Actually, I stared in disbelief. Would have scratched my head but figured no hands to the face included my scalp.
“What are you looking at, you old fart?” she inquired. (Before moving on, it should be pointed out that it was like a personal debut: First time I’d ever been called an old fart. I found it hilarious).
Back to Matilda the Hun. I wasn’t certain what I was looking at or how to comment on it.
“Sorry sweetie. Didn’t mean to stare. That’s quite a haul in your three buggies. You might want to wipe Junior’s nose. And no need to buy all that toilet paper. It’s a waste of money.
“I have a whole yard-full of leaves. Come fill a few buckets and know you’ll be doing your part to recycle. They might be a little rough on your keester, but it’ll be good for the environment.”
She would have given chase (and probably caught) me. I feared a noggin’-knocker was in my future.
I was spared by her fear of letting go of her cart and having to fight a soccer mom.
Darn, I just scratched my chin. Old habits die hard. Maybe writing isn’t such a good way to get the point across.
On Thursday, Forsyth County had its third case of what President Trump called the China Flu, because that’s where it originated. He could have called it the Swine Flu, but no one is sure if Porky is alive.
And Spain wasn’t ready to relinquish its link to the past.
It’s been fun watching the ninnies on TV. Last month, they were experts on impeachment. They’ve morphed into authorities on economics and science.
My take is this: We don’t know enough to know anything. But we’re rump-deep in this. We shouldn’t worry because we know very little, other than the bug is out there and the best we can do is be smart.
When this is over and the stock market rebounds, I believe we’re going to look at this as a wonderful opportunity to get closer to our families.
We’ve watched Marvel movies on the big-screen Sony. Despite Greg’s willingness to pass on his encyclopedic knowledge, I still don’t understand much except for the awesome explosions.
I hope many are taking my stance that when the places of worship open again, you’ll not view Sunday worship as an obligation. I know I won’t.
I’m looking forward to shaking hands and hugs. I’ll be putting a little more into them.
Finally, this is a chance for parents and all us old farts to set an example. There will be another crisis like this again sometime. Let our kids see how we were calm and got through this one.
We always do.
Mike Tasos’ column is published every other Sunday. Buy local. It’s become a mantra. I’d like to add: Read local, subscriptions to the Forsyth County News is way better than a closet of Bounty. Comments can be sent to email@example.com. He is also on Facebook.