Ava, our German Shepherd, has put on some weight.
It’s not her fault.
She’s been on steroids.
Even before the steroids, she has always been a big-boned girl, with the vet commenting quite frequently on her size.
“She’s big-boned,” I insist.
“She’s extra-large, especially for a female,” the vet will respond.
“Big-boned,” I repeat.
“She’s huge, no other way to say it,” the vet said. “She’s not overweight, but she is a big girl.”
There you have it — Ava has a medical diagnosis of being a big girl.
Problem is, Ava doesn’t know how big she is.
In her mind, she is still a small puppy, yearning to cuddle.
Granted, she wasn’t small when we got her; she was 11 months old with a lanky, large frame begging to fill out.
But she still thinks she should be able to fit in a lap or in the crook of our arm, not realizing her massive size.
She was big before but like the rest of us, specifically me, she has put on a few pounds.
The steroids are actually to treat a systematic allergic reaction that was triggered by a gluttonous binge eating episode of cat food.
She apparently dove head first into a 16-pound bag of cat food and only came up for air to make sure we weren’t waking up to catch her.
Two vet visits, steroid shots, shampoo treatments, and a prescription for steroids later, she is still binging but only on her specialty food.
“You get two breakfasts, lunch and two dinners,” Lamar tells her as she paws at the feed bin.
Ava whimpers her protest. It’s been two hours since her last meal. Can’t he see she is wasting away to nothing?
“No,” he tells her firmly. “No more. You’re getting fat, Ava.”
She lets out a loud wail in protest and even flattens one ear down as if to say they are falling off for lack of food.
“Ava — you are huge. No more food for you.”
She runs — well, ambles at a somewhat fast pace for such a big animal — to me, leaning against my legs as she looks up to me for support.
“Quit fat-shaming my dog,” I tell Lamar.
“She’s fat. Look at her.”
I did. Her soft, big, brown eyes begged me for food. Just a kibble, a tiny nibble, maybe a bite?
“She is not fat.”
“She is too!” Lamar said. “She can barely jump up on the bed now.”
True. But she has always had to do a few laps like an ice skater preparing for a triple Lutz.
“She is just big-boned,” I protested.
I shush him. I don’t want my dog getting some kind of complex or feeling bad about herself. She gets scared when it storms and gets in the tub to hide; as soon as she comes out, she needs a snack. Maybe the over-eating is just her way to cope.
Even if she is happy about something, she runs to the bowl to ding it, as if she wants to celebrate.
I can relate. When I am sad, I eat. When I am nervous, I eat. When I am happy, bring on the cheesecake.
“You see how she came to me when you called her fat?” I asked.
“Yeah, because she thinks she can hustle you for some food.”
“No, she thinks us chubby girls have to stick together. She is coming to me for support.”
“You’re not –” he caught himself before he said anything else.
He realized I was right. I’m always right but this time it sunk in before he said something he shouldn’t.
“Every time you call her fat, she runs to me. She probably thinks my name is ‘fat.’”
I have probably called myself fat so many times in the last few years, the pup may be associating it with me. And, she has made the connection that I call myself fat, then I get upset, and to console myself, I eat some chips and guac.
She thought Lamar calling her fat meant I was going to break out the snacks. Maybe for both of us.
“I’m not calling you fat though,” Lamar said, hoping to clarify things before it went horribly wrong and became a huge molehill. “I am calling Ava fat and she is. Look at her. She is kind of a long furry cylinder.”
Ava looked back up at me and wagged her tail, smiling her doggy smile.
“She’s still pretty though,” Lamar added.
“Next you’re gonna say she has a great personality, too.”
“She does. She has the best temperament of any dog we have had.”
He completely missed the point.
I sighed. “Just quit calling her fat. She can’t help it; she has a medical condition.”
A few hours later, she dinged the bowl again.
“No more food, Ava, you’re –” he caught himself. “You’ve had enough today.”
She dinged again, and another time. After being told no three more times, she sighed and got on the couch. Granted, it took her a few seconds to get up there, but she did.
At least she wasn’t called fat again.
Now, if I can stop calling myself that, maybe she and I both can feel better about ourselves.
Sudie Crouch is an award winning humor columnist and author of the recently e-published novel, “The Dahlman Files: A Tony Dahlman Paranormal Mystery.”