Knowing what to get Mama for Christmas has grown more and more challenging over the years.
For one, if she needs something, she usually gets it for herself.
She’s kind of at that age where she doesn’t want to wait for Christmas for anything.
The only thing she ever needs is for me to Google something for her.
“Can you do the Google?” is probably tied with “Are you home?” as her most asked phrase.
She thinks she is bothering me when she asks, but she’s not.
“You need to get the internet, Mama,” I told her one day.
“Why? So, I can quit bothering you?”
“You aren’t bothering me,” I replied. “But I think you would like to be able to look stuff up online.”
“I don’t want the internet,” she said. “I don’t trust it. I’ve got you to do my Googling for me.”
True, she did. I am her Googler.
I didn’t argue the point, knowing she was set in her ways and even was resistant to getting a smartphone, saying her flip phone worked just fine.
Her latest Googling request has involved her favorite movie or more aptly, its upcoming show times on TV.
Mama was spoiled for about a two-month period when the Fox Movie Channel played ‘The Sound & The Fury’ practically every day.
She even got up in the middle of the night to watch it – that’s how much she likes this movie.
“I have seen my movie 38 times,” she announced one afternoon.
“I’m so glad you are able to enjoy it, Mama,” I said.
“Me, too! You know how I love me some Yul Brynner.”
She was all happily entertained, until one day she wasn’t.
“Can you do the Google and find out when my show is coming back on?” she asked one day.
“Can you not find it?” I asked.
“No. It hasn’t been on all week. I am getting upset.”
That’s the thing about being a retired person; things you get used to like a certain movie coming on can throw you off kilter and make everything seem horrible. Or maybe that’s just my Mama.
I did the Google. I found nothing.
Every other day, Mama asked me to try again.
“Mama, I even checked the TV Guide online and don’t see it.”
“I haven’t seen it in two weeks — I am having withdrawals!”
She was quite pitiful, this little elderly woman without her favorite movie to watch.
The rest of the time she was forced to endure football games and whatever else my uncle wanted to watch.
I even called her satellite service to see if they could check their programming.
“She’s a 75-year-old woman and her only hobbies are smothering me and watching this movie,” I told the customer service rep.
The rep understood. “Has she thought about getting our DVR to record it? Or she can use the search function with her remote.”
“Both of those would be way too high tech for my mama,” I said, thanking the lady as I hung up.
Yul Brynner and all of his bald head beauty was just nowhere to be found on TV.
Mama was upset and upsot, grousing about how she didn’t understand how other movies could be played continually but not her show.
“I’d be in good shape if I liked Adam Sander…”
“Sandler,” I corrected.
“Whatever. How many times can they possibly play one of his movies? I think ‘The Waterboy’ was on every day last week.”
“What do you want for Christmas?” I asked to distract her from her movie tirade. It caught her off guard and made her think for a moment.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I don’t really want anything.”
“I want my movie back on. That’s all I want.”
“If I could get it back on for you, I would.”
Mama doesn’t ask for much. If the Crazy Redhead wanted her movie, she should be able to watch it when she wanted to.
And then I had an idea.
I did the Google for a portable DVD player and found one, complete with headphones, so she could watch her show and not disturb Bobby.
Then I searched for her movie. The movie originally came out in 1959 so it was not exactly easy to come by, but I found a copy — just one left — and bought it.
Of course, I’d probably have to show her how to use it, even though it was fairly simple. This was Mama and technology we’re talking about though.
She called the day after I ordered it.
“Can you do the Google?” she asked. “You know what I want you to find out. Is my movie coming on soon?”
“Mama, I’ve got a feeling you will be able to watch it any time you want pretty soon,” I said.
“Oh! When?” She was giddy.
I smiled. “Christmas. You’ve just got to wait until Christmas.”
I may have pulled off a small little Christmas miracle in making Mama happy this year.
Sudie Crouch is an award-winning humor columnist residing in the North Georgia Mountains among the bears, deer, and possibly Sasquatch. She lives to disappoint her mother, or at least that is what she has been told. You can connect with her on Facebook at Mama Said: A Collection of Wit, Humor, and Deep-Fried Wisdom.