It was well over 10 years ago when I wrote in a column about how my husband broke so much stuff.
My then-editor, Kristen, looked at me across the newsroom and asked, “Did he really break this?”
A few minutes later, she asked another question. “And that?”
I nodded again.
Moments later, she wanted to know if I had anything left.
“Some Dixie cups,” I responded.
It was not a lie or even an exaggeration.
And he has broken even more since. So much more.
As much as I hate using paper plates, I have been resigned to doing so because all my regular, everyday dishes have been broken, thanks to my husband.
You know how people say to use the good china because every day is a special occasion?
Here, we don’t do that.
In fact, I didn’t register for china when we married.
My friend, Courtney, did get me a gorgeous tea pitcher set I had been eyeing for a while as a wedding gift.
She should have known better.
I was saddened when the last glass broke and I’ve never heard the real truth about the pitcher.
Feeling guilty about using paper plates, I decided I had to find a more durable option.
I thought, briefly, about those tin camping dishes. You know, the blue speckled ones that you eat out of around the campfire that are heat and break-proof.
Not that I ever go camping, but I’ve seen them. They’re metal but lightweight. Those may actually work, and may seem appropriate for our cabin, since I feel like we’re glamping most of the time.
“I don’t break everything, you know,” Lamar replied defensively one day, after I questioned where something was.
His immediate defense made me question if he had indeed broken what it was I was looking for.
As I was grocery shopping one day, I came across some dishes that were quite cute.
I liked the blue and white colors. I’ve had the fall-colored sets, the ones that are earth-toned, the solid white, so these were a welcomed change.
I picked them up.
They were made from melamine.
I had dismissed this material, as the dishes I was used to seeing made out of it were just kind of plain and ho-hum.
But these were cute.
I got small plates, dinner plates, and bowls that can’t decide if they are plates or bowls. I like them because food doesn’t slide off them.
“Cute plates,” the cashier said as she checked me out.
“I thought they were,” I replied.
The bagger even checked them out as he wrapped them before putting them in the bag. “They are made out of melamine, so they should last a long time.”
“Let’s hope,” I said.
I brought them home and Lamar examined them.
“Unbreakable?” he asked.
“Supposedly,” I said. “Of course, they haven’t been put through the Lamar test yet.”
So far, none have broken.
But that doesn’t mean there haven’t been other things that have.
One of my cute little aqua-colored bowls that were just the right size for a snack.
His “I like big mutts and I cannot lie” cup, to which he said, “See – I break my stuff, too.”
Followed by my Wonder Woman cup.
The Coffee Then Conquer cup I bought to replace it as my morning coffee cup broke a week later, but that wasn’t his fault. The handle just broke off and not in a way where it was re-gluable. So much for caffeinated motivation.
As I was shopping recently for a new pan, I decided to take a peek at the dishes. Some cute little green and yellow bowls caught my eye and I was thinking ice cream sundaes would look adorable in them.
They felt like they were some sort of plastic so I felt like they’d be a safe choice.
“More bowls?” Lamar asked. “What kind of plastic are they made of?”
I shrugged. “Hopefully something Lamar-proof.”
Come to find out, they’re made of bamboo. A durable, versatile material that is unbreakable.
I plan on getting everything made out of it.
Sudie Crouch is an award-winning humor columnist residing in the North Georgia Mountains among the bears, deer, and possibly Sasquatch. You can connect with her on Facebook at Mama Said: A Collection of Wit, Humor, and Deep-Fried Wisdom. Her recently published book, ‘Mama Said: A Collection of Wit, Wisdom, and Deep-Fried Humor’ is available in paperback and Kindle download on Amazon.