The Great Dentoni!
Fearlessly flying into the face of the future, our feckless forecaster files his fabulous fabrications foretelling whom the fickle finger of fate might follow in 2013. Forgive us foisting this fool upon you fine folks again. And now, finally, the forecast:
January: Georgia unleashes an unprecedented offensive assault on hapless Nebraska, running up over 600 yards of total offense in a 45-6 rout. Amid the post-game euphoria, quarterback Aaron Murray announces that he’ll return for his senior season.
"We’ve got almost the entire offense coming back. We won’t be five yards short next year!" Murray declares. ... In the aftermath of Tech’s thrilling 66-63 Sun Bowl win over Southern Cal, which set a scoring record for bowl games, coach Paul Johnson announces that he’s found his new defensive coordinator.
"I believe Marion Campbell can take our defense to a new level," Johnson asserts. … Alabama assails Notre Dame, 24-3, in a terribly dull and anti-climactic title game. Alabama’s defensive showing almost causes coach Nick Saban to smile. Almost.
February: The Falcons, riding the mean streak they discovered in December against the Giants, silence every critic by winning the Super Bowl, 34-22, over the Broncos. "You haters kept us going!" Asante Samuel tells the world after the win. "We love the haters, man. It made us play with a chip on our shoulder."
Sadly, owner Arthur Blank suffers the ultimate indignity. As he hoists the Lombardi Trophy, coach Mike Smith musses Blank’s hair. Fortunately, Blank’s tie and pocket point remain perfectly in place. Asked if he is going to retire, Tony Gonzalez replies, "No, I’m going to Disney World!"
March: Madness? What Madness? Duke completes an incredible season by becoming the first undefeated champion since Indiana in 1976. "Now there’s nothing left that Bobby Knight can hold over my head!" exults coach Mike Krzyzewski. Hard to imagine that just a year ago the Blue Devils were bounced in the opening round by Lehigh. "Lehigh made us the team we are today," notes Coach K.
April: Global warming?
The unseasonably cold spring renders Augusta National’s azaleas bloomless, but no matter.
In a duel for the ages, Bubba Watson and Phil Mickelson dust the field and meet in a playoff.
They play until dark, with neither hitting a fairway, but both making spectacular recovery shots, halving hole after hole. Finally, as darkness creeps in, they agree to play the final hole right-handed, and Watson defends his title.
May: The Braves, behind streaking lead-off hitter Jordan Schafer, race to a five game lead. The pitching remains solid, and the heart of the lineup produces runs in bunches. "They’re playin’ good," observes team mentor Bobby Cox.
June: The U.S. Open returns to fabled Merion, and the Philadelphia galleries display their best behavior.
They don’t even heckle Tiger Woods for his bad behavior during a Sunday meltdown. After misplacing his driver and being forced to hit a three-iron off the tee, Phil Mickelson finally wins his first Open championship.
July: The British Open survives sunny skies and an absence of wind. There’s not even a discernable zephyr as Australian Nick O’Hern captures his first major championship. ... Baseball’s All-Star game ends with a pinch-hit walk, two stolen bases and the winning run scoring on a wild pitch. As a result, the game’s MVP award goes to Jordan Schafer.
August: Oak Hill in Rochester hosts the PGA championship, and the result is historic. Australian Greg Chalmers wins, marking the first time that all four majors are won by left-handers. What’s next, a left-handed President?
September: In a stunning move, the International Olympic Committee votes not to add baseball and softball to the slate of events comprising the 2020 Summer games. Instead, the IOC adds wushu. Yes, wushu. You know, wushu. The wonderful sport based on traditional Chinese martial arts. Who can wait?
October: In a gut-wrenching finish to a wonderful season, the Braves lose their opening playoff series to the Pirates, as Jordan Schafer gets caught stealing 11 times, killing myriad rallies.
November: Marion Campbell has Tech’s defense honed to deliver a return trip to the ACC championship game, but the Jackets still come up short against Georgia, 42-26. "We closed the gap to half of what it was a year ago," notes Paul Johnson.
December: Georgia tops Alabama, 32-28, in the SEC championship game, and heads to the BCS title game to face undefeated Notre Dame. Tech tops FSU, 21-15, to earn a trip to the Orange Bowl. "You’ve got to hand it to our defense!" exclaims an almost giddy Paul Johnson.