Coachspeak: the art of obfuscating the obvious with inane babble in order to conceal all great secrets of the coaching society. You listen to the explanations at the NCAA Tournament’s post-game interviews, and you learn how March Madness got its name. You also wonder how any of these coaches got their teams there.
Here’s how the coaches reviewed the first two rounds of the tournament, and what they really had in mind:
Billy Kennedy, Murray State: “They can say it was an upset, but we’ve got a good team. We’ve got good toughness, and good character.”
Translation: There are good reasons why Vanderbilt won’t schedule us!
Kevin Stallings, Vanderbilt: “We congratulate Murray State. They played a very good game.”
Translation: No way I’m ever scheduling those guys!
Mike Brey, Notre Dame: “We had some great looks at their zone that didn’t go down. If you’re going to win, you’ve got to knock down a couple and kind of get them out of that zone.”
Translation: We shot 6-of-26 on threes. We’d have lost to DePaul.
Scott Drew, Baylor: “I think the story was our defense. I think they’re a tremendous offensive team. Had 18 threes against Kentucky, 15 ... against Auburn, and we held them to six — and 33 percent shooting.”
Translation: We made Sam Houston State look like Notre Dame.
Brad Stevens, Butler: “Let me be the master of the obvious and say when you hit 12 threes in a half, you’ve got to feel good about where you’re headed.”
Translation: We’re headed to the next round because UTEP couldn’t guard a fence post.
Murry Bartow, East Tennessee State: “Kentucky jumped out on us. Our scouting report said they couldn’t make threes. They made 15 of them. Tough to beat.”
Translation: I have an immediate opening on my staff for an assistant coach in charge of scouting.
Buzz Williams, Marquette: “We had our hands full before the game ever started.”
Translation: What an incredible pre-game buffet!
John Thompson III, Georgetown: “I want to congratulate Ohio University. They played extremely well tonight.”
Translation: Those guys made 13-of-23 threes, 5-of-7 in the second half. We were lucky to hold them to 97 points!
Dino Gaudio, Wake Forest: “I thought it was a great college basketball game.”
Translation: What an awful exhibition! We committed 20 turnovers, and bricked 9-of-24 free throws. Fortunately, Texas missed 13-of-33 free throws, or we’d be toast.
Rick Barnes, Texas: “It’s a disappointing, tough, heartbreaking loss.”
Translation: Fortunately, our hideous play over the last seven weeks had us well-prepared for this debacle.
Steve Donohue, Cornell: “We have a very good, experienced passing team, and I sensed that in the Atlantic-10, they haven’t seen many teams like us that would maybe take advantage if you go under a ball screen or a triple handoff.”
Translation: We outsmarted them.
Fran Dunphy, Temple: “I thought Cornell played terrific basketball. Very, very well coached. They were really impressive to watch.”
Translation: They outsmarted us.
Bo Ryan, Wisconsin: “We feel pretty good about advancing, playing such a good team as Wofford.”
Translation: Hey, didn’t they beat Georgia?
Mike Young, Wofford: “I applaud Wisconsin and coach Ryan. I’ve admired his programs for years. They are very good, as always.”
Translation: Geez, we missed 6-of-7 free throws in the second half, or we beat those clowns!
Tom Izzo, Michigan State: “If there’s one word I’ve learned in the years I’ve been in the tournament, that word is survive and advance that everybody preaches.”
Translation: Guess how many words I can pack into a 500-word essay?
Mike Montgomery, Cal: “I think our guys were really ready to play.”
Translation: We led, 22-4, six minutes in. What do you think?
Brad Stevens, Butler: “We got beat on the glass, 39-22. They shot 9-of-14 from three, and we shot 36 percent from the field. I’m still trying to figure out how the heck we won.”
Translation: We don’t beat ourselves, and we only had six turnovers.
Billy Kennedy, Murray State: “They don’t beat themselves, and they only had six turnovers.”
Translation: We won on the glass, 39-22. We shot 9-of-14 threes, and held them to 36 percent from the field. I’m still trying to figure out how the heck we lost.
Bill Self, Kansas: “Congratulations to Northern Iowa. We knew that they were a good team, very good team, sound, disciplined, and I thought they played a great game.”
Translation: Embarassed? No way. It’s not like we lost to Bucknell.
Mike Anderson, Missouri: “You have to put the ball in the hole.”
Translation: You have to put the ball in the hole.
Paul Hewitt, Georgia Tech: “Things happen in this tournament really fast.”
Translation: Our guys got in foul trouble in no time.
Steve Donohue, Cornell: “In all my coaching, all the experience I had on any team that I ever played on, this game here was as well-executed … I couldn’t even imagine that we could play that well in the stretches that we did.”
Translation: Bring on Kentucky!
Here’s how the coaches reviewed the first two rounds of the tournament, and what they really had in mind:
Billy Kennedy, Murray State: “They can say it was an upset, but we’ve got a good team. We’ve got good toughness, and good character.”
Translation: There are good reasons why Vanderbilt won’t schedule us!
Kevin Stallings, Vanderbilt: “We congratulate Murray State. They played a very good game.”
Translation: No way I’m ever scheduling those guys!
Mike Brey, Notre Dame: “We had some great looks at their zone that didn’t go down. If you’re going to win, you’ve got to knock down a couple and kind of get them out of that zone.”
Translation: We shot 6-of-26 on threes. We’d have lost to DePaul.
Scott Drew, Baylor: “I think the story was our defense. I think they’re a tremendous offensive team. Had 18 threes against Kentucky, 15 ... against Auburn, and we held them to six — and 33 percent shooting.”
Translation: We made Sam Houston State look like Notre Dame.
Brad Stevens, Butler: “Let me be the master of the obvious and say when you hit 12 threes in a half, you’ve got to feel good about where you’re headed.”
Translation: We’re headed to the next round because UTEP couldn’t guard a fence post.
Murry Bartow, East Tennessee State: “Kentucky jumped out on us. Our scouting report said they couldn’t make threes. They made 15 of them. Tough to beat.”
Translation: I have an immediate opening on my staff for an assistant coach in charge of scouting.
Buzz Williams, Marquette: “We had our hands full before the game ever started.”
Translation: What an incredible pre-game buffet!
John Thompson III, Georgetown: “I want to congratulate Ohio University. They played extremely well tonight.”
Translation: Those guys made 13-of-23 threes, 5-of-7 in the second half. We were lucky to hold them to 97 points!
Dino Gaudio, Wake Forest: “I thought it was a great college basketball game.”
Translation: What an awful exhibition! We committed 20 turnovers, and bricked 9-of-24 free throws. Fortunately, Texas missed 13-of-33 free throws, or we’d be toast.
Rick Barnes, Texas: “It’s a disappointing, tough, heartbreaking loss.”
Translation: Fortunately, our hideous play over the last seven weeks had us well-prepared for this debacle.
Steve Donohue, Cornell: “We have a very good, experienced passing team, and I sensed that in the Atlantic-10, they haven’t seen many teams like us that would maybe take advantage if you go under a ball screen or a triple handoff.”
Translation: We outsmarted them.
Fran Dunphy, Temple: “I thought Cornell played terrific basketball. Very, very well coached. They were really impressive to watch.”
Translation: They outsmarted us.
Bo Ryan, Wisconsin: “We feel pretty good about advancing, playing such a good team as Wofford.”
Translation: Hey, didn’t they beat Georgia?
Mike Young, Wofford: “I applaud Wisconsin and coach Ryan. I’ve admired his programs for years. They are very good, as always.”
Translation: Geez, we missed 6-of-7 free throws in the second half, or we beat those clowns!
Tom Izzo, Michigan State: “If there’s one word I’ve learned in the years I’ve been in the tournament, that word is survive and advance that everybody preaches.”
Translation: Guess how many words I can pack into a 500-word essay?
Mike Montgomery, Cal: “I think our guys were really ready to play.”
Translation: We led, 22-4, six minutes in. What do you think?
Brad Stevens, Butler: “We got beat on the glass, 39-22. They shot 9-of-14 from three, and we shot 36 percent from the field. I’m still trying to figure out how the heck we won.”
Translation: We don’t beat ourselves, and we only had six turnovers.
Billy Kennedy, Murray State: “They don’t beat themselves, and they only had six turnovers.”
Translation: We won on the glass, 39-22. We shot 9-of-14 threes, and held them to 36 percent from the field. I’m still trying to figure out how the heck we lost.
Bill Self, Kansas: “Congratulations to Northern Iowa. We knew that they were a good team, very good team, sound, disciplined, and I thought they played a great game.”
Translation: Embarassed? No way. It’s not like we lost to Bucknell.
Mike Anderson, Missouri: “You have to put the ball in the hole.”
Translation: You have to put the ball in the hole.
Paul Hewitt, Georgia Tech: “Things happen in this tournament really fast.”
Translation: Our guys got in foul trouble in no time.
Steve Donohue, Cornell: “In all my coaching, all the experience I had on any team that I ever played on, this game here was as well-executed … I couldn’t even imagine that we could play that well in the stretches that we did.”
Translation: Bring on Kentucky!